Taking Stock: Looking Back and Looking Forward.
As I write this, we are nearing the end of this decade spanning from 1st January 2010 to 31st December 2019. What a decade it has been for me and I know for so many of us. I am now in my 44th year on this planet.
At the beginning of this decade, I was 33 years of age and had just experienced the death of my mother. My world was completely shattered and I was trying to process my loss as inconspicuously and privately as I could. I thought I should be over it by now – after all, it had been 5 months! I remember I used to get out of bed when the tears came after the lights went out and everyone was asleep and go out to the fire in the sitting room and allow myself to cry. I pined for my mother and the loss of one of the only people in my life who really saw me and knew me. I remember the time when I was four months pregnant with my first child in 1999, living 9300 miles from home, in a van with a partner deep into his addictions, and she looked me in the eye as she was saying goodbye to me on her way back to Australia and said, ‘I know.’ And I knew that she did know.
She knew the desperate need I had to be near her and for her not to leave me there on my own. She knew the pain I was in and the turmoil of not knowing what to do. She always knew. We didn’t talk all the time, but when we did, we connected on a soul level. In many ways, she is the driving motivation for me to step fully into my newfound role and to do the work I am here to do, because I know she had so much knowledge and so much to give, but didn’t have the belief in herself to bring it more out into the world. I am determined to step into who I am and what I am here for and to bring my knowledge and gifts out into the world for both of us – my mother and I.
The last four years or so of this decade have been my re-awakening. I came to a point in my life where I knew I could no longer continue as I was. I was working myself into the ground running a service for people with disabilities. My people-pleasing and perfectionist behaviours were burning me out. I was suffering from constant generalised anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t know how to say No and how to have boundaries with people who were running roughshod across me.
I had two particularly tough people – family members of one of the people I supported, who were clearly sent to shake up my world and bring me to breaking point. They were a blessing in disguise, offering me so many opportunities for growth. My ongoing challenging interactions with one of them was the catalyst for my decision to leave this role that no longer was for me. There was a lot I liked about my job and a lot that I was good at, but on a fundamental level, it was not a good fit for me.
I had discovered by this time that I was Human Design Projector and that working 9-5 (and the rest!) was going to kill me and I needed to stop. It took me a couple of more years to finally pull the plug on this job and on my life in Ireland. We moved countries to the UK in July 2019. Prior to this in 2018, I finally took the step to commit to my spiritual calling and what I knew deep down I was here to do. I did the Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training Programme with Chris Zydel and Tim Lajoie in California, travelling four times over a ten-month period to attend retreats with them and my wonderful fellow sisters in Bodega Bay.
I devoted my energy and my determination to healing all that was holding me back and keeping me stuck. I was so fed up with feeling anxious and not feeling good enough. I knew I had a lot to give but since my mother’s death, my confidence had taken a dive and I was flailing around in self-doubt and limiting self-beliefs. The teacher training programme was exactly what I needed to catapult me into the realisation of my personal power and my gifts. The teachers and sisters I had that year, are still in my life and continue to be my support network on my ongoing journey to deepen and surrender further into who I am and what I am here to do.
I am extremely excited to be continuing to awaken to all that I am and all that I am here to offer. My business Creative Coven Arts is in its infancy, but I know it is my soul work to support women to heal and transform their lives through creative spiritual practice. It is the culmination of four decades of experience and knowledge I have gained through my personal struggles and professional work and training.
My words for 2020 are Devotion and Expansion. I am devoting my time and my intention to my spiritual growth and my capacity to support other women with their spiritual growth and personal transformation. I am devoted to learning all that I can to bring this to my work for my own personal expansion and the expansion of those who are called to work with me. I am devoted to sharing my knowledge and communicating this out into the world to help those who need to hear it. I am devoted to going deeper and healing more and more layers to open more fully into the expanded powerful self I am here to be.
I look forward to more connections in 2020 and to following the synchronicities and intuition that have supported me so well until now.
Happy New Year and Happy New Decade to you all. May your life be all you hope for it to be xx