Freedom from Perfectionism.
I spent a large portion of my life trying to be perfect - the perfect daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife and employee. I set unattainable expectations and standards for myself and then exhausted and berated myself trying to achieve them. I believed that I needed to try harder, achieve more, be better at my job and at my relationships - basically be a better ME - in order to be worthy of being loved, accepted and approved of. I felt fundamentally unworthy of love, attention and acceptance as I was. I never felt good enough, no matter what I did.
These beliefs came from stories I told myself about who I was, because of how I had been treated by others in my past experiences. I never stopped to question if these beliefs were true. I just kept replaying them over and over in my life, reinforcing them and strengthening them. Keeping myself small, stuck and feeling like crap about myself.
Recovery from my need to be perfect started when I found creativity..
Recovery from my need to be perfect started when I found creativity in the form of mixed media art. When I started painting, collaging and art journaling I began to loosen up on needing to be perfect. Allowing myself to be messy, to scribble, glue stuff down, etch, scratch, drip and let go of what it needed to end up looking like, was the beginning of freedom from perfectionism and radical self-acceptance. Creating on paper and canvas in this way was a training ground for developing this same mindset in my life. I started to loosen up a bit, let things be OK instead of perfect, trust myself and the process more in my day to day life. I noticed a sense of curiosity start to emerge, a 'wait and see what happens' approach to new things instead of the old way of needing to know and wanting to control the whole process. I started to value my imperfection as a mark of my uniqueness and individuality instead of being wrong and needing to be fixed.
My creative journey led me to intuitive painting and the wonderful experience I had doing my teacher training in California. It was here, that I truly started to realise that the limiting beliefs I had about myself and my worth were no longer true and that I had a choice about whether I believed them and perpetuated them anymore.
It's an ongoing practice of choosing self-love...
I still need to remind myself and practice every day to value, accept and love myself as I am. I still need to catch myself and my thinking when it starts to head down the path of past beliefs. It might always be this way, but I know that with the loving support of my sisterhood and family I can continue to rise and grow into the most magnificent version of myself.
I am worthy and so are you.
I am good enough and so are you.