Fear’s played a huge role in keeping me stuck and terrified of moving forward in my life.
It kept me in relationships and my work role for way longer than any sane person would tolerate. But why? Why didn’t I just one day decide enough was enough and get on with my life? Because fear is insidious. It’s rooted in partnership with the ego aka inner critic and it infiltrated every part of my Being and life. I allowed it to rear it’s head and have a say about every-fucking-thing from what I’d wear that day to when to shut my mouth. Always consulting fear for the right way to act, respond and Be in order to stay safe, stay likeable and not be rejected or risk humiliation.
Fear had a stranglehold of my nervous system.
I’d do anything to avoid the panic attacks, heart palpitations, cold sweats, liquid bowels, faintness, brain freeze and sleepless nights, so I became a slave to fear. It ruled my life.
Fear created hard perimeters that boxed me in and made it impossible to expand and take up space – to be who I was here to be. As I began waking up, this tiny space I’d allowed fear to create for me felt claustrophobic. Tentatively, I started chipping away at the walls, wondering what’d happen if I poked a finger or toe-out a little further beyond the walls.
Little by little my bravery and courage started to peek through and the walls began to crumble. It didn’t happen like magic. It took a lot of exploration, commitment and daily practice to get to the point where the balance of fear and love in my life began to tip more in favour of love.
I began to invite love to take over my body and heart when I needed to make decisions affecting the direction of my life. It went like this, I’d receive an intuitive hit to do something, to take a step and I’d know it was for me, but a black cloud of fear would descend and start raining down all the reasons why I shouldn’t do this crazy thing and just stay put, nice warm and dry inside my house.
Instead of letting fear have her way with me, when this happened, I began experimenting with choosing to flood my nervous system with the metaphorical hug of Unconditional Mother Love and cloak myself with the Bad-ass courage of the Big Balled Witch (a character who appeared in one of my large intuitive paintings). For me, this more often than not did the trick to counter-balance the tired shit fear was throwing at me.
So now when Fear says, ‘But what if? Love and Courage respond with, ‘It’s OK. We’ve got this. We’re holding her. She’s safe’.
I’m now choosing to take actions that feel alive and have energy for me, instead of doing what I think I should do. I consciously fortify my actions with love and courage to carry me through to where I’m heading. By doing this, I’m creating a cushion of safety that sends a message to my nervous system that in this moment it’s safe and I’m OK. Like most of what I share, it’s a practice, a process of consciously committing (and re-committing) to choosing what’s for my highest good over what’s easier and ‘safer’.
What small steps can you take to tip the balance from fear to love in your life?
If you're ready to do this work in your life in a big way and you'd like support, I invite you to check out my Bone Deep Rising program. https://creativecovenarts.co.uk/workshops/. It's new and I'm so excited to be bringing all the practices that have helped me, into one container.